December 3, 2005
-
Mentoring - Continued: Thanks for the great discussion on the last post. Sam Radford asked a pertinent question that I will lead off with in this post: Question: Who's responsibility is mentoring? Is it up to the person wanting to be mentored to hunt someone down (Elisha style) or should the older (in both age & maturity sense) generation be actively picking out people and mentoring them?
Yes, you need to hunt down a mentor. One of my current mentors, Steve, is a pastor, aged 40ish, married, and a healthy not-needy person. Steve needs nothing from me. I need Steve. He shows me, by his life and advice (we meet about once a month) how to live. I love Steve, he is great. He invests in me, prays for me, I don't deserve Steve, but I have him. I sought out Steve and asked him to mentor me, because he was a healthy person who I admired. He took about 6 weeks to decide, but he did. We agreed (very important) to meet 1 X per month (we sometimes golf) for 1 year. From there we will reevaluate our relationship. It is key to set boundaries and parameters on mentoring. Don't expect something from someone that they cannot give. I found Steve.
Yes, it is also the older generations job to find and mentor people. I have had people like my boss, Greg, who sought me out and mentored me. He, as mentioned in my last comment on the last post, mentors many and considers it his job to pout out his life to the next generation. Greg is like Jesus to me in my life. Greg needs nothing from me. I need Greg. He mentors me in a professional and personal manor.
So, both - we need to find mentors and mentors need to find us. It is a both/and. These are both examples of active personal and professional mentors. Sometimes different, but with similarities and crossover. Tomorrow I will talk about mentors at a distance. And, more about how you should have a 'board of directors' for you life.
What do you all think? Who do you mentor? Who mentors you? Who should you mentor? JVD
Comments (9)
Is need on the part of the mentoree and healthy/wholeness on the part of the mentor required or foundational?
I disagree that mentors don't "need" mentorees.... we are part of a spherical process that is ever exchanging. Ex: for an atom to become an ion, it must be postively or negatively charged -during which time all the electrons are bouncing around the outside of the nucleus. We DO need one another for multiple reasons. If a mentor has the sense that he doesn't "need" a mentoree, or a mentoree feels he is unneeded of expendable, there is a problem there - and one that perpetuates isolation and alienation. I also think it goes against what humility is. And although by nature, the process includes an upper-lower exhange, and at some point the student/mentoree must intrinsically recognize the necesseity of a teacher/mentor. I think it must also be seen as lateral and a side by side process - and one that always points to Christ as the consumate mentor.
And I understand the use organizational, structural and mechanical language we're using when labeling and communicating "mentoring." Might I suggest that we begin to use organic metaphors and terms to describe the process? I believe it would be more inclusive of all sorts of mentoring situations.
Sally - I hear what you are saying, we need to be side by side and pointing towards Christ - absolutely! But, I disagree that my mentors need me. They don't - they are whole and healthy and don't need more people to mentor. But, they must mentor! Let me go a bit further, the angle I am coming from is a character development issue. The people I sought out to mentor me were not greedy people. In fact, quite generous. They give more than they receive. And, not surprisingly they are able to give more and more because they are generous. The cup overflows...... So, from a character standpoint they don't need me to fill voids in the their lives. They also have taught me to try and do the same, and hopefully I am trying to pass that on as well.
As far as language, I am really a rookie here with mentoring, so if you have thoughts about what we should call it, fire away! JVD
What about the rest of you? What has been your experience with mentoring, good, bad, great, ugly?
JVD,
In the end, mentoring requires time. Time for a phone call, time to listen, time to think about the subjects that were discussed, thing to pray…time, time, time.
I mentor two to three guys informally. In the past I have used books (Wild at Heart, Uprising for example) and weekly meetings (Starbucks) to meet with guys wheteher or not they attended my church. Currently, I invite guys (if it is a female, I invite her to join my wife and I with the goal of connecting her to Lilia) to run an errand with me, watch a movie, have lunch (everyone has to eat…this kills two birds with one stone) or grab a cup of coffee…a peripatetic style of mentoring. In those varied settings, I can observe and listen to the young man who is with me and at important moments (moments that I could not create) speak into their lives
The most important mentor I have is Alex McManus.
He has become a vital voice in my life. However, I didn’t seek him out; he called me and invited me into his life by asking me to help him on a “project.” The project turned out to be ORIGINS 2005. During that intensive time, he observed what I was able and not able to do and invited me to join him on a few other projects.
One thing about who seeks who, I volunteered my time at Mosaic a year before Alex and I knew each other. Before then, Erwin and I use to talk a little (emphasis on little). I said I’d be willing to do anything that needed to be done and I was assigned to conduct a phone survey. Now here’s the point: many times I’ve seen men request to be mentored by Erwin or Alex or whoever…and the way it feels is, “pay attention to me.” When I volunteered time at Mosaic, I worked alone. No-one saw what I was doing…as far as I knew. When it was determined I had something to offer, I was invited in. I was, (I am) being mentored by helping those who I respect.
Who should mentor? Well anyone who has achieved some level of professional or personal success. If you know how to manage money well, mentor. If you have a rich satisfying marriage, mentor a couple. If you’re a pastor, you should be mentoring as well.
Finally, remember that mentoring may sometimes come to an end. The friendship changes, folks move away, you learned what you could…it’s OK if it mentoring ends, just as long as you do not forget to apply the lessons you’ve learned.
If someone spent time with you, someone you could not payback or help in return, you were mentored. Honor that time by practicing the principles you were taught or shown.
Octavio - thanks for your thoughts. You are dead right on the time piece, which is why we need so many people who are healthy and can mentor. Yep, and knowing when to end a mentoring relationship is key. You also remnd me of an important point to honor those who have mentored you in the past. I have one mentor who no longer is an active mentor and I always thank him publicly whenever his name comes up. JVD
Joe and Octavio,
Although you both make excellent points regarding mentoring, I respectfully ask that you qualify your definitions of "mentoring" within the world in which associate and have exposure to higher levels of leadership and mentoring. Your access to or invitation by qualified mentors is an entirely different process than on other socio-economic-intellectual-political-age levels or cultures. Joe, if this discussion is intended to be directed to "like" leaders, then that is helpful in determining peoples' responses.
Because of who I am, I have had the incredible priviledge of being mentored by some of the top leaders in the country. I have no problem requesting mentoring and being an eager, responsible, accountable, coachable, humble (
) mentoree - and continuing the links to others. I have done this in business, church/ministry, education and politics. I have also mentored and been mentored by individuals from populations and definitions I don't think fit in your discussion above. I have also been mentored by walking through the dark valley with only God. All of these provide interesting perspectives on mentoring.
Within our Christian walk mentoring as it is part of the discipling we are called, is a responsibility and goal. This is why simultaneious sanctification, community and mission are so critical. And as such, I will argue that a mentor DOES need the mentoree... otherwise - to me, not needing a mentoree looks like pride within the kingdom.
Sally -
I would say, what I am making the case for can be done inside and outside of 'higher levels of leadership.' I could be wrong, but I think anyone, anywhere who has someone who is farther along the path than they are, can ask that person to help them in a mentoring situation. Now, is it going to be called mentor/mentee? I don't know, that is not my issue - this process needs to take place, in some form.
As far as socioeconomic, racial, differences - I would say yes, you need to have mentors inside and outside of your race, socioeconomic status, etc. But, as a start, just find one - wherever, whoever you are. That is what I see lacking, across the board.
I think I will agree that the mentor does need the mentee - but not emotionally. They need the mentee to be answering the call of God on their life to make sure they have a legacy, that they use the talents God gave them. I had to think about that for a while but that is where I am landing. Pride is the person's issue, are they mentoring for God? or for themselves?
Thanks for spurring my thinking on this subject.
JVD
Good thoughts, Joe. I'd agree with the "both/and" answer to the question. I know that I've often felt like people should be choosing to mentor me, but I've learnt that the danger with that approach is that it puts all the responsibility on someone else. And we need to take responsibility for the development of our own lives. But at the same time, I'd love to see more and more people (including myself) taking on the challenge of looking out for people to mentor.
As a youth leader, mentoring looks a little different for me. I usually end up mentoring younger girls who are now grown up (mixed_moss, poorlu and best are some that blog). It is not that much of a stretch, since we are comfortable in those roles. In youth ministry, there are very few older women still around who can mentor me in ministry.
I do have a mentor/accountability partner. She is slightly older than me, but I have learned SO MUCH from her about marriage and raising children (now all I have to do is get moving in THAT area). We meet every week and work through a book of the Bible inductively. Great stuff.
I agree with Ocatvio that time is the issue. I really have to carve time out of my schedule, but it is worth it to "know and be known..."
Comments are closed.